Who’s The boss? You or Your Strong-Willed Child?
by Nicole MacKenzie
I’m sure you’ve encountered (and perhaps have one of your own) what could be called an exceptionally “strong-willed” child. No easy-going cherub, this one. Instead, it seems like even the smallest parental request inevitably turns into a major battle of the wills. You’re faced with stupendous temper tantrums often accompanied by kicking and screaming whenever this little one does not get his or her way.
Somehow your little genius always seems to sense when you are quite tired or in a hurry, giving them an added advantage in the power-struggle game. Some kids even ramp up their antics a notch or two when in public for maximum effect and leverage!
What on earth is a parent to do?? If you try to bribe them, bargain with them, reason with them or simply give in out of embarrassment, then the child’s demanding behavior is more likely to increase. They’re learning that if they are determined enough, they will eventually “win” and get their way.
The biggest challenge for you is to not get emotionally engaged in the power struggle and to stay curious. In this case a big curiosity is how to guide such a strong-willed child without breaking their spirit.
Having a strong will in adult life can be a great advantage. However, there is a big difference between being strong-willed and controlling. To be controlling seldom leads to fulfillment and happiness.
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A strong-willed child still has to learn (and can learn!) how to live in a community where he/she is not the boss. If your child has been the boss for a while, you have a little bit of work before you. Be patient, as it will not change from one day to the other yet. But no matter what age it is doable and will be quite a service to your child. It actually comes as a relief to many young children when they can start focusing their genius on something other then running the entire household!
Here are the steps I would try to take first:
1. Establish who is in charge.
The person in charge sets up the boundaries and consequences according to what works for her/him. Things always go the way it works best and is most fun for the person in charge.
( I won’t go into much detail here on setting rules and consequences since that is covered in the book and also in the free eClass)
2. Communicate the rules and consequences clearly.
However, with a strong-willed child who has become used to “being the boss”, it is recommended you start with a very simple-to-follow rule. Preferably pick something doable at home when you do not have an audience and you have plenty of time.
Example (works best with a child age 3-12): Rule: Follow instructions right away. Consequence: Time out, and then a cleaning assignment.
What you can expect…
Of course the rule has to be tested. And since the child has been the boss for so long, most likely he will NOT follow this rule! Let’s say you tell your child to pick up his toy and put it in his room and he is ignoring you…
Pick him up and make eye contact. Tell him: “You are not following instructions. The consequence for this is a time-out until you ready to go clean the sink in the bathroom!” Make sure you talk in a firm voice and make eye contact. However do it without getting engaged into a power struggle. Put the child in time-out until they are ready to do their consequence, the cleaning assignment. (See the following newsletter topic for more pointers on time-outs.) Again, with a very strong-willed child or one that is used to running the show, the time-out itself will be a test of wills – so prepare yourself for a challenge. At first you may have to physically sit with a small child while in time-out, especially if this is new to them.
Your firmness and determination will make this process much easier. If the child can feel that he cannot win this one, he will eventually give in. But I have seen 4-year-old children sitting in time-out for 5 hours before finally deciding to go and do their consequence!
The good news is, you usually only have to sit with a young child for the first 1/2 hour, and then they will be sitting by themselves. It should not matter to you if your child decides to sit in time-out for a long time. Do not get emotionally engaged. Just keep checking in with him periodically to see if he is ready for the cleaning assignment. If you do not fight him back, he eventually will be ready to go and do his assignment.
Once you win this first encounter, things should go a little easier. Move slowly on towards establishing more and more rules, but only establish what you are really ready to follow through with – 100% completely! Be your word, and always be the boss.
Personally, I love strong-willed children. It is so amazing to watch their genius and dogged determination. If you can shift your mindset from exasperation to appreciation, you may find your job much easier. Remember, your child must get that strong will from somewhere!
About the Author: Nicole Mackenzie’s simple, yet proven Responsive Parenting Method shows parents how to raise more responsible and happier kids using non-judgmental awareness, curiosity and discipline without punishment – plus have fun in the process! Nicole is an author and mother of 6 children. She has been a facilitator, speaker, coach and trainer for 16 years.
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